ONE YEAR

For those of you who have not been following me since Day 1, here is some background on me: I am a woman, overweight and Catholic. I have a bachelor'sdegree in German literature and master's degree in telecommunications. I had no real interest in German literature. My father browbeat me into taking German to fulfill my high school language requirement. Four years later I would rather have majored in music or theater but was told by my mother I was not this "big ball of talent" I thought I was and wouldn't earn anything by "flitting my ass on a stage." German literature would be an easy "A" and I would be able to graduate fast and go to California to write songs. Instead I get a Fulbright Fellowship to Germany and flounder around there for a couple years after the fellowship runs out. After it becomes economically unfeasible to be a student under the German Social Democratic system for much longer my boyfriend persuades me to go back to America and get an MA. So I get an MA in telecommunications and end up at one of America's premiere radio networks, where I work for more than five years until Iam terminated in 2001. I spent two years in North Central Florida talking to a bunch of retarded hicks, but I told myself "never mind, someday you'll be a big anchorwoman and you won't have to deal with these hicks anymore." Well, my education there only trained me to spend more than six years talking to a different set of hicks. Example:

Me: Hi, may I please speak to your news director?

Retarded hick receptionist: News director? Is that th' guy who tells th' news onth' air?

Follow up:

Me: Hi, this is X____from ____. A couple weeks ago we faxed you a press release.We wanted to know whether you were able to use it.

RHR: What do you mean use it? Read it on th' air?

Me: (Thinking) No, dumbass. Use it for toilet paper. Use it to wrap fish. Use it to line a bird cage. I don't care what the hell you did with it afterwards. Were you or weren't you able to read it on air?"

So how did you get into massage therapy" you might ask. About two years ago following my father's death and dealing with multiple low-paying jobs, failed relationships and asshole "friends" I decided I needed a vacation. Somewhere cheap, where there was a beach, where I could practice my Spanish and wouldn'tneed a passport. The answer: Puerto Rico. We got a ridiculously good deal on the hotel and flight so I decided to treat myself to an aromatherapy massage. It was $85.00 plus a $25.00 "gratuity" which was not optional. I knew the therapist didn't get to keep it all for herself, but I figured becoming a massage therapist would be a good way to earn a lot of money fast and still allow myself to do what I wanted to do -- radio, TV and tarot card readings. Plus, when I gave massages to family members and friends they would say "where did you learn to do that?" and "you mean you don't do this professionally?" So now I have completed all the requirements for national certification except taking the boards. For those of you who cared enough to read this, this should bring you up to speed without reading four years' worth of posts. I thank you, ladies and gentlemen.