SPELLING BEE

The 2006 Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee is underway in DC. In eighth grade the word that put me out of the competition was "pizzeria." Now I have to spell "thoracocolumbar" and "metacarpalphalangeal."

SPRING CLEANING

Cleaned a bunch of addresses out of my address book, most of them clients or wannabes. Good riddance to bad rubbish in most cases.

MEMORIAL DAY

Lita says she was gonna to to Arlington Cemetery to put flags on her parents' graves. I said a prayer for my father and those who died in battle and the CBS people killed/hurt in Iraq. You'd think people would learn.

In honour of the day I washed my uniform and my underwear. My classmates will appreciate that.

BRUTE FORCE MEMORIZATION

If brute force memorization were all it took I would have “MD” after my name. And I’d be earning at least six figures. And I would probably feel better about myself.

I am studying at work and getting horrible stomach cramps. And some jerk called about something my boss said on air and I kept on saying “thanks for sharing.” For G-ds sake, it’s a holiday . I felt like saying “lives are available. Why the fuck don’t you go get one?”

OUR NATION'S UNIFORM

Today at West Point President Bush talked about "Our Nation's Uniform." Hmmmm, I do not wear our nation's uniform. I wear our school's uniform.

WEEK FIVE

Wow, only one week left in this module.

I went from feeling good about the midterm to pretty poopy after the last quiz. I did not even pass. My conversation with Mom went something like this

Mom: So how come you didn’t do so well with this one? What was in it?

Me: Lots more. The midterm was mostly on bones. This one was more about muscles and nerves and stuff like that.

Mom: Oh, that was hard. I hated it, too.

I think Mom actually respects me now.

Jay wisely showed us a Cirque du Soleil video to take our minds off grades. After the last quiz, I think maybe I should have taken a French class instead. Or a video production class.

"PARNELL HAD THE ANSWER...

...but no one would ask him the question...The answer O'Shawn referred to is 'Tin,' and the question is 'what is the chief export of Bolivia?' That no one asked Parnell the question is understandable, although he was challenged once to name the largest fur-bearing quadruped extant and he said 'Chicken,' for which he was severely criticized."

Woody Allen, Without Feathers

I know how he felt. I am eating, sleeping and breathing musculoskeletal anatomy. Much to the dismay of those around me, if you were to ask me anything I would probably answer something like "external oblique muscle" or "greater tuberosity of humerus," even if you didn't want to hear it.

DRESS CODE

The other day I showed up for work in scrubs. Ryan wanted to know if that was our uniform. I wanted to say “do you think I’m making a fashion statement?” They are the same colour as the uniforms US Air attendants wear, for G-d’s sake.

NEW SHOES

Putting me into a uniform is a bad idea. It makes me want to break rules or at least get around them. In high school we were not allowed to wear street shoes on the sacred gym floor so I walked across it wearing ballet slippers. No one could do anything about it.

Our school now requires us to wear either black or white sneakers with our uniforms. My old sneakers about eight years ago and literally coming a part so I went out for new ones. As the dress code doesn’t allow ballet or gymnastic slippers. I got some Capezio jazz shoes which are comfortable and lightweight enough. So far no one has said anything about it.

FINS TO THE LEFT...

She came down from Cincinnati.
It took her three days on a train.
Lookin' for some peace and quiet;
hoped to see the sun again.
But now she lives down by the ocean.
She's takin' care to look for sharks.
They hang out in the local bars,
And they feed right after dark.

[Chorus:]

Can't you feel 'em circlin' honey?
Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around?
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
and you're the only bait in town.
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
and you're the only girl in town.
She's savin' up all of her money.
Wants to head south in May;
Maybe roll in the sand with a rock'n'roll man,
Somewhere down Montserrat way.
But the money's good in the season;
Helps to lighten her load.
Boys keep her high as the months go by.
She's gettin' postcards from the road.

[Chorus]

Sailed off to Antigua.
It took her three days on a boat.
Lookin' for some peace and quiet;
Maybe keep her dreams afloat.
But now she feels like a remora,
'cause the school's still close at hand.
Just behind the reef are the big white teeth
of the sharks that can swim on the land.

[Chorus]

Fins , by Jimmy Buffett

Yeah, I can’t wait to get back to Puerto Rico. Coming back and listening to Shamu’s big mouth and smelling her rotten food have only strengthened my resolve to get out of this job.

FUN FACTS

Did you know that skeletal muscle cells have more than one nucleus? That rickets are/is caused by a vitamin D deficiency? That the sciatic nerve is the longest nerve in the human body?

I plan on working in a beauty parlour or a yoga studio, for G-d's sake. Hopefully the clientele will be wealthy and educated enough to afford proper nutrition.

LOOKING BACK

I am still hurting from my father's death. Mom says she was numb for so many years. So was I. now the numbness has worn off and I am in pain. The time off definitely did me good. This year I forgot about even TRYING to improve my Spanish, but I think I did learn some things. Also, we got to see the rain forest and went to Palomino Island again.

The first time I took a "spa" vacation was when I was 20. I went with Dad to the Bonanza Playa in Mallorca. Back then I didn't need the beauty rest or treatments nearly as much as I do now. My first professional massage was by a big German guy old enough to be my father. Now I know the massage he gave me was too rough and I should have had a female therapist. He didn't do anything wrong, it was just awkward. Even though I was 20 I looked and acted older so they probably figured I was. My first facial was at the same place. It was by a German girl about my age and it was heavenly. She asked me "wie wäre Ihre Name" as though I were much older than she was.

Norma says my skin looks dehydrated, which is hard to believe, considering how much I drink. Still, four resolutions I have brought back with me:

1) Get more sleep
2) Exercise
3) Eat more fruits and veggies
4) Drink more water.

WEEK FOUR

Wow, this module is two-thirds over. Got a 92 on my anatomy mid-term, 93 if Jay gives me the extra point. Trying to get into the evening session. My uniform was waiting for me when I got back. I am back in Falls Church wearing a uniform. Fuck, this is not what I had planned.

BACK IN THE USA

Or should I say back on the mainland?

Crashed.

BACK TO THE MAINLAND

More later.

SPA LIFE

Got a chocolate manicure and pedicure from Desiree Sunday, a facial from Norma Monday and an aromatherapy massage from Yanir Tuesday. For Mother's Day Mom wanted me to go to church with short toenails. I did not grab the therapist's ass.

SOME SAD NEWS

Found out the wife of a high school classmate died yesterday, so I won't be posting anything about island cruises, massages or facials today.

MOTHER'S DAY

Went to mass with Mom last night, got it over with. My big plans for today are to get a chocolate pedicure at Edouard De Paris. And study. And watch the Sopranos. I must be the most fun chick in Puerto Rico.

A BIG DAY

Got my eyebrows waxed yesterday. Tried to get a pedicure today, but Mom wants to go to mass. Those are our plans/accomplishments.

WEEK THREE

Just completed three weeks of massage school, although I'm not there today. I admire any Puerto Ricans who can get ONTO the Internet if they have as tough a time as I did.

ESTAMOS EN PUERTO RICO

Estamos in Puerto Rico. Mas mañana.

ESTOY EN FLORIDA

I am on vacation. No school until the 19th. Woot!

ASSHOLE!

There, I feel better.

THE GIRL WITH SOMETHING EXTRA

My doctor says I may have an extra heartbeat. Someone else says something about all the stress and pollen here possibly causing it. Don't know whether he means that's from the general stress of living around here or the stress of being me.

AN UNPRODUCTIVE DAY

Some dildo hit a light pole, knocking out power in our part of Falls Church, which put an end to web use/overhead projection. Still, we got time to study for the midterms, so nothing is useless.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT

Jay says there are you some types of Biotone you can use in aromatherapy. Biotone is the best stuff on earth.

A DAY OFF

The weather has been orgasmically beautiful the last couple days, so I took today off for some pampering for myself -- a haircut and a trip to the drycleaners.

WEEK TWO

End of week two of massage school. Still, I have not killed anyone, been thrown out or walked out. Jay and the others seem pleased with the progress I’ve made. I don’t doubt my ability to handle the work intellectually, but I do worry about being able to handle it physically.

CAN YOU GO HOME?

"Who Says You Can't Go Home?"

Jon Bon Jovi

I think I wanted to get out of Falls Church since I was 18, maybe since I was 13 or younger. Now I come here every day to school. This is so different from the path I had wanted, envisioned. At least the weather’s nice.

A RUDE AWAKENING

Erin says she's going to only massage beautiful people. Sandy says he won't massage people who don't "prep" themselves before a massage. Boy, are they in for a big surprise.

HAIR CHARGE

I think I should charge hairy clients more. Especially the male ones.

BACK AT SCHOOL

Went back to school this morning, still feeling sick. Bought 11 pairs of panties at at Filene's Basement so I don't embarrass myself or gross out my classmates.