ON BEING THE MOTHER OF A HUNDRED SONS

Elisabeth Bumiller's May You Be the Mother of a Hundred Sons, describes the situations of various Indian women, especially in regard to marriage. One character, "Meena," consented reluctantly to an arranged marriage on the condition she could have a hand in choosing her husband. They picked out a "plump doctor" who seemed to of the right social and economic background, unfortunately, he also suffered from some kind of "sexual abberation." Not sure whether he was gay, impotent or a pedophile, but whatever it was, he and "Meena" could not have a normal sex life. Obviously, "Meena" was heartbroken -- she had married a man her parents helped pick out and the marriage was a sham.

I can identify. As of today the spa where I am interning has done away with its intern program, leaving me once again holding the bag. I will still be doing volunteer work at the teaching hospital where I had originally wanted to intern and begged to, although I was told it would not be allowed. So I picked this spa which was a school-approved site and it closes programs in mid-internship. Proceedings at the teaching hospital are progressing smoothly -- had the school allowed me to intern there, I would be more than halfway through and not giving myself ulcers now.

HOT GUYS WHO TIP BIG

It don't get no better than this.

SOME DAY

I may tell everything. But not until I have graduated. And passed my nationals. And have a better job.

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

"But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

M. Jagger/K. Richards

Just happened on this deck at Borders – the Voices of Saints Tarot by Lo Scarabeo. There are actually other decks I need more, but this one intrigued me and I had some “holiday bucks” which were about to expire, so I spent them. Then I got a coupon for 25% off any DVD, so I am getting The Secret, which Dianne sez I should watch anyway.

LACK OF PROPER PLANNING

On your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on mine. But then you already knew that.

WEEK 40

Things are slowly taking shape. Hopefully Dianne was right about being in an atmosphere of money and success rubbing off on me.

STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED

Got a compliment from Mom, perhaps as the result of tidal pull, planetary alignment...

LIFE IN THE FAST LANE

He was a hard-headed man
He was brutally handsome, and she was terminally pretty
She held him up, and he held her for ransom in the heart of the cold, cold city
He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
They said he was ruthless, they said he was crude
They had one thing in common, they were good in bed
She'd say, 'Faster, faster. The lights are turnin' red."
Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind, mmm
Are you with me so far?
Eager for action and hot for the game
The coming attraction, the drop of a name
They knew all the right people, they took all the right pills
They threw outrageous parties, they paid heavenly bills
There were lines on the mirror, lines on her face
She pretended not to notice, she was caught up in the race
Out every evening, until it was light
He was too tired to make it, she was too tired to fight about it
Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the fast lane, everything all the time
Life in the fast lane, uh huh
Blowin' and burnin', blinded by thirst
They didn't see the stop sign, took a turn for the worse
She said, "Listen, baby. You can hear the engine ring. We've been up and down this highway; haven't seen a goddam thing."
He said, "Call the doctor. I think I'm gonna crash."
"The doctor say he's comin', but you gotta pay him cash."
They went rushin' down that freeway, messed around and got lost
They didn't care they were just dyin' to get off
And it was life in the fast lane
Life in the fast lane

Glenn Frey/Don Henley/Joe Walsh

Heard this on George 104 this morning. I had forgotten what a good song this was. I remember Henley (or one of the Eagles) telling Rolling Stone the song wasn't anti-cocaine, it was "anti-excess cocaine." OK. Rumour has it the song is about Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, although I wouldn't consider her "terminally pretty" and I never heard of him as being brutal or crude. There are few lines on my face, but I am too tired to make it and too tired to fight. And I think I'm gonna crash.

BUTTWIPES

Bought buttwipes to clean my hands and my chair. Thought of George. Giant has handy-dandy refills so I bought a refill package at the same time. I figure that's enough for at least 50 to 100 chair massages, if not more. I wonder what the saleswoman thought of me buying so many at once. Mom says her church uses them at communion. I don't think I want to know.

ZZZZZZZZ

Got up for a 1:00 AM shift which was already covered. Slept a couple hours, drove to Falls Church for a chair which wasn't there. Drove to DC, then Capitol Heights, then home. This had better all be worth it.

WENT TO A PARTY

Went to a party last night. The food and drinks were excellent . There were only four guys, and only one of them hot. Sent the following e-mail immediately after:


“hi, x, , thank you for such a lovely party.

the y was my favourite item. is it hard to make?

z is really hot. “

From X
“Z is GAY.”

Why do I even bother? I guess it beats the party I went to on the 5th with the mentally ill.

LESS STRESS

Okay, now there are three less things over which to stress. In my December 3rd post there were 17. I have bought/sent all my generic winter holiday cards/gifts and I have finished school, at least the academic part. Sow now there are 14 stressors, as opposed to seventeen last month:

1) Money
2) Mom
3) Getting an internship
4) Volunteer work
5) Passing the nationals
6) Getting a decent job
7) Peppy
8) The pigs
9) My condo
10) My car
11) My social life
12) My love life
13) My body
14) What people think of me

WEEK 39

What a week. Got our grades. I got a 99 for last mod, bringing my average to a 97. We also found out this week our school is consolidating, which means a move to Manassas. This doesn't mean too much to me, as I will be out in a little less than a month. I’m told the move won’t be final until October, probably, until all the people enrolled now finish classes. Still, it’s unsettling.

Also, the insufferable prick I referred to in my January 8th post won’t be back. One of my classmates said today "M's a pervert. They're blacklisting him." Evidently he had tried his crap on at least one other student.

I feel vindicated. 75 hours needed to graduate!

79 HOURS

Fewer (less?) than 79 hours needed to graduate. My internship continues to limp/sputter along. Spent the evening in clinic helping T, who has way more work than she should have.

THE WOUNDED AND THE WEIRD

But Dianne sez that's about to change. Went to her for my new year's reading and she says my life will follow much the same pattern it did when I was 15. So I will fall in love with a gay guy and be taken advantage of by a sick twisted director, oh, never mind, I guess she meant something else.

Around October 24th of this year (my ex's birthday) we will be entering a new moon and a new cycle and I will need to think about what I am putting my vantage point on. Bad grammar/syntax, I know. Dianne has recommended I watch the DVD The Secret, which talks about the law of attraction, the importance of holding onto ideas that you want and putting ideas you don't want out of your mind.

Next year, starting in January, will be one of abundance and love, a good time for study, planning and letting go of old emotional stuff.

Opposition of Saturn and Neptune can lead to feelings of doubt, confusion, discontentment, it would be a good idea to take less interst in self-preservation and try to care more.

March through of August of this year and next January and February may not be a good time to make major decisions, as I may be deceived or look at people/things through rose-coloured glasses, however, they will be opportunities for kindness and generosity. I may also feel my beliefs shifting and wonder whether I fit in .

February through May of this year will be a time for self-improvement and harmonious relationships and I will be finding my comfort zone.

June through July will be a time of unexepected change with Uranus more prominent, but also a time of healing. I may feel jealous about relationships and not want to share.

Hard work will likely move things in a positive direction and goals will come into form. I will also see how much I am worth and allow others to give more. I will also experience a healing, including that of my inner self-critic and feel as though I fit in better. Work will bring opportunity for self-expression.

In June I should feel very motivated and ambitious, but it may also be a time of intense feelings, anger and relationship clashes.

Next year should be a time of giving, healing, and opportunities for relationships, however a may relationship may be a "secret" one we won't be free to share. I will be feeling more expansive psychologically and a move may be involved. Even if anything which comes along in the next year or two is not the Real Thing, it may be practice for it or an entree to it. At any rate, it should feel as though the curse I've been under for the last six years will be finally lifting.

87 HOURS

Eight days after I am supposed to start my internship I get an interview. The woman who is supposed to be interviewing me isn't there -- her person hands me a sheet of paper with a bunch of available times written in pencil. Less than 87 hours to go now.

I HAD A DREAM

Just in time for MLK Day: I dreamt my father (who is dead) and I were at a house our family used to own in Pennsylvania. We are having an art exhibit there. Dad exhibited a painting of me even though I never knew he painted. Mom, who is living, was not there, but her paintings were on the wall.

A woman I knew in Wilmington was there, and so was my former boss. He strongly advised me to put a 15-minute newsfeed together, something I could do with my eyes closed anyway. There is a hot guy I never met. Dad told me hotty is going to give me a ride to work or the hospital. There is a three-foot bluefish in the oven. I am told dreams of fish symbolize pregnancy.

I have no idea whether the woman from Wilmington is now living or dead – I can’t find her on the Internet. Now I am worried – is ex-boss going to die or is he going to hire me back?

EMBRACEABLE YOU

Went to G’s party. Hers are always good. Every year we draw three cards: what we’releaving behind for last year, what we’re embracing this year and what our gift to the world will be for this year.

What I’m leaving behind: the Ten of Wands – taking on too much, overdoing it, tryingto go it alone. G also says tens indicated the beginning or end of a cycle.

What I’m embracing: The Knight of Pentacles. The knight is not a bad guy, he is loyal, hardworking, dependable. However, he can stand for drudgery, being set in one’s ways, settling for less and refusing to have fun. Interestingly enough, this is my personal court card. And Aunt Ellen’s. And that of a person who is very special to me. Does this mean I will embrace myself? Or Aunt Ellen? G. sez this card can also mean money.

What I will offer to humanity: the Two of Wands – vision, originality, looking ahead. I don’t know how I can use this to benefit humanity, but it’s comforting to know I won’t be working for some second-rate chiropractor the rest of my life. Or in some spa or some gym.

There was also a minister from the Arlington Metaphysical Chapel. We offered prayers for those we love, those with whom we work, those who are causing us problems and for specific groups of people. The prayer: to offer them healing, love and divine order. Shamu fits into the category of people with whom I work and people who are causing me problems. The group I picked was religious fanatics – not just peoplelike her and my bible-thumping relatives, but religious fanatics of all denominations.

25 YEARS AGO

25 years ago today an Air Florida jet hit the 14th St. bridge. Also, a Metro train derailed, killing three people. I was in the Metro when it happened, but not on that train. We were at DC 101 that day, looking at the snow. 25 years later I am still in radio, but heavier and unmarried. And the bulk of my income comes from massaging horny fat guys and talking to retarded hicks.

WEEK 38

Well, it has not been a bad week, despite all the uncertainty. Most of my clients were nice and I got a lot of studying done. And I am still a little ahead of schedule.

SAW E TODAY

Didn't recognize her at first. She looked beautiful. and happy. I think the last time I saw her was graduation night. She sez it will all be worth it once I graduate. She was in my first mod with me. We had the same teacher. Now he's very sick and we don't know when he'll come back.

ORPHANS

I guess I am orphan intern. My internship was supposed to start on the eighth. Today I finally TALKED to the woman and she told me very calmly the first day she can see me is Tuesday the 16th. So we made an appointment. She said in what I thought was a kind of snooty tone "we have a strict dress code. No denim. Yeah, like I would wear that to an interview. And it's not even certain whether I will even GET the internship. So meanwhile I am interning in the clinic (ugh) and doing chair massages for one-dollar tips. This is SO not the way it was supposed to be.

111 HOURS

Again, nothing new on the internship. Put in four hours in the clinic, now I just need 111 hours to get full credit for this mod. At this rate I would be happy to massage someone's dog just to get credit and graduate as soon as possible.

GO, GATORS!

The Gators now hold the national basketball and football titles. It makes having graduated from UF less embarrassing, although it wasn't a place to find a husband or a decent job.

STRANGE DAYS INDEED

Today was supposed to be the first day of my internship. J. called me and told me to call and ask for K. I was told K. was away from her desk and would return my call. That was over 12 hours ago. C. Called me into her office and asked whether I had witnessed an "incident" on December 15th. I told her I had no recollection of any of this and that things went particularly well that day -- all my clients showed up, tipped well and gave me good reviews. This evening I had to massage one of the most insufferable pricks our school has ever known. T. told me we keep him on only as a bad example. At least as a reward I got a massage from N. I was so grateful I wouldn't have given her any negative feedback, even if I could think of any.

ONCE BITTEN

After Friday it's really hard to get motivated. OK, so maybe my boss didn't know what he was getting me into, but how often have I let people talk me into stuff that wasn't what they said? The party with all the "influential people" that turned out to be a lot less than that, the "great guy" I absolutely had to meet whom I had already met and wasn't attracted to? The job that turned out setting me back financially and professionally, the beautiful house with the psychotic housemate who ended up getting me evicted? Let's not even get into Dell Computer and Turbotax. It's getting harder to answer the ad, make the phone call, send the e-mail, RSVP to the invitation.

NOTES FROM THE ASYLUM. OR THOSE RECENTLY LET OUT OF ONE

Well, my resolution to socialize more has gone horribly wrong. My boss told me about this “dinner” last night which was supposed to be a great networking event. Things were fudged up at school and I dragged myself home for a nap. The “dinner” was supposed to be from 6:30 to 10. I got there at about 8:30. Boss was not there.

It turned out it was a party for an organization for the severely mentally ill. Unfortunately, the event was run by a guy who belongs to one of my clubs. Nobody likes him. We call him “N___, the serial killer.” He is that creepy. The last time I remember seeing this guy was almost eight years ago. I was at an open house with my date and N___ approaches my date, telling him he is forming a new Jewish singles group and would like to invite him. He did not invite me. Neither my date nor I were Jewish. I was furious that this guy would have the nerve to ask a guy with a date to join his singles group, but I guess we didn’t appear to be the perfect loving couple.

At any rate there was really no one with whom to “network.” There were a bunch of cute guys who looked young enough to be my sons. And there was a guy who looked like Uncle Fester who kept yelling out weird stuff. All in all I would have done better going to school instead. I felt as though I had taken 19 dollars and 20 cents and flushed them down the toilet. At least the food and the music were good One of the performers was cute. He is a friend of my boss’s. His name is Ed. His band is called “Special Ed and the Slow Learners. Let's hope my resolution to earn more money turns out better.

WEEK 37

Not much school or much massaging this week, and still haven’t nailed the internship details down. It’s amazing how something that was supposed to be just something to bring in some extra cash, to make my life easier, has taken over my life.

TARD FORGETS WALLET

After dealing with tards at work and at school, I now have to deal with tards at the bank. And I worry about becoming one myself. I forgot my wallet today. Ok, I admit that was kind of tardlike in itself. I had to borrow money from C and T to buy myself lunch and postage stamps. So I go to the Suntrust branch to which I have been going for years. The following conversation takes place:

Me: Hi, I left my wallet at home but I have some blank checks. Can I cash one here?

Tard: Do you have any ID on you?

Me: No, it's all in my wallet, which I left at home.

(The tard is nice enuff to cash my check.)

Tard: Next time please remember to bring some ID with you.

Me: Next time I will remember my wallet which has my ATM card in it so I won't need ID.

>Sigh<

MARTINIS 'N MANICURES

Made 14 big ones doing chair massages at Bailey's. And the guys were hot and they fed me. And I got academic credit for it.

25 YEARS

This months marks the 25th anniversary of my first radio internship. It was at DC 101. You're probably saying "so she's a massage therapist, why is she talking about radio all the time?" Because broadcasting is what I want to do, massage therapy is what I HAVE to do to survive. The bulk of my income now comes from public relations, which I absolutely hate. I am so embarrassed by my day job I don't have it on my resume. One of my co-workers tells people she works "in radio." Working a job like ours and saying you're "in radio" is like cleaning toilets at McDonalds and telling people you're in "the restaurant business."

They had President Ford's memorial service today. In a way it was like watching my father's funeral all over again. I know, I know, you're saying "dummy, he's been dead for more than two years. Get over it". And you're right. Watching it was like seeing part of my youth, optism and enthusiasm buried. 25 years ago who knew I would be earning most of my money talking to retarded hicks and massaging horny fat guys? Let's hope I'm doing a hell of a lot better 25 years from now.

NEW YEAR

Happy New Year! I think it's kind of neat that the year and the week begin on a Monday. My resolutions for this year -- to earn more money and socialize more. This should not be hard as I did not do much of either last year.