GETTING LUCKY DAY 59

My Amazon.com gift certificate arrived in the mail. Ok, enough of this positive thinking/gratidude crap already. I have been doing it for almost two months. Still, I have to admit, it hasn't hurt and maybe things have got a little better. If anything else, they have got no worse.

SHANA SENT THIS

Normally a lot of that stuff people forward is so sickeningly sweet I could hurl, but this is good:

I AM THANKFUL FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.


FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.


FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME

SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. I JUST DID.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

GETTING LUCKY DAY 58

I live and work in one of the most beautiful cities in North America. And I get to go to some of the most beautiful places on a beautiful morning, even if I'm working not sightseeing.

And Mom sez I'm not high-maintenance.

FOR EVERYTHING ELSE

Three sets of linens because the new boss doesn’t like the ones you got for school: $29.58

CD player because the company doesn’t provide one to therapists yet insists they play music: $29.99

Back-up battery for CD player: $3.59

Being able to return them all within 60 days if you don’t use them and declare everything as a tax deduction if you do: Priceless.

For everything else there’s Mastercard.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 57

My first 60-dollar tip.

WEEK 53

I have completed more than one-third of my hospital volunteer requirement. The hospital serves the best hot dogs yet I could not eat them on the Fridays I was there during Lent. Now I can eat them but they have been out of them the last couple times I was there. And of course since Lent’s over they serve really good vegetarian soups.

A couple weeks ago I worried I would always be in debt and never have enuff money. That seems to be less of an issue – now I worry about not having a life. Forget a social life, just a LIFE.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 56

My table arrived.

HEART DISEASE

Is hereditary, passed on from mother to child. I swear my mother is doing her best to give me a heart attack.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 55

G sez my makeup always looks good.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 54

It never rains, but it pours. Now that I am moving on in my massage therapy career things are picking up at my other jobs. At least one person who had long resisted is making concessions to make things easier for me.

ALMOST LEGAL

Got my supervisory consent form signed, sealed and delivered. This means I can give massages in DC, possibly also Maryland and Virginia, for 90 days.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 53

The Starbucks barista asked if I wanted whipped cream on my latte. I said yes and the woman next to me said "you can afford it."

GETTING LUCKY DAY 52

I made a lot of money.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 51

For the beauty of the earth,
For the glory of the skies,
For the love which from our birth over and around us lies

http://www.hymnsite.com/lyrics/umh092.sht

Folliot S. Pierpoint

THE QUEEN OF SWORDS

According to Façade.com this card can stand for a widow, divorce or a person who has known great happiness but now has fallen on hard times. According to Sarah Ovenall it means no matter how much you’ve suffered it does not give you the right to inflict pain on others.

I got such a client shortly after drawing this card for myself. She is considering a move but I told her the cards indicated she is not being honest with herself and she is using it as a band-aid solution. I gave the bitch three different readings and she kept on saying “this is all very vague.” Never mind she wasn’t satisfied with the last couple readers/psychics she went to, probably because they didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. She said “I’m sorry I came.” I said “I’m sorry you came, too.” I felt like saying “look, bitch, you don’t have grasp on reality because your head is so high up your ass it’s in the clouds. Maybe it would be a good thing if you moved because evidently you make everyone’s life miserable and having you leave would only improve our lives.” I hope her check doesn’t bounce.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 50

Gee, so many things to be happy about/grateful for today -- beautiful weather, a car that runs, good food and drinks, nice people, an improving financial outlook, seeing Sanjaya...

I SAW SANJAYA

At the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I'm underwhelmed.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 49

I am grateful for picture-postcard-perfect-Chamber-of-Commerce weather.

WEEK 52

52 weeks. One year. And the worst shooting in US history. And one of the worst storms in 25 years. In the immortal words of one of my cousins, “wow.”

GETTING LUCKY DAY 48

I am at least one step closer to getting licensed and insured.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 47

Gin martinis with olives and free lasagne.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 46

Got free ice cream at Ben and Jerry's.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 45

I wasn't in Blacksburg today.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 44

Got a Maggie Moo's tag.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 43

I am grateful for good food and drinks with good friends.

GOING TO THE CHAPEL

Actually now it's went to the chapel. D and B got married. It was all very tasteful and both of them are extremely deserving of happiness. Okay, so at the last wedding I went to there were two brides and no groom. And one of them used to be a guy. It was her third wedding – she was the groom at her first and the bride at the other two. I tell my other friends they go to boring weddings.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 42

I am grateful that Lent is over and that I can eat hot dogs in the hospital cafeteria. And that the guy gave me extra fries. And that the clerk charged me for a medium drink when I ordered a large one.

WEEK 51

I have completed more than one-fourth, almost one-third of my hours at the hospital. And trying to tell myself that G-d did not kill my car in return for letting me pass my boards with high scores.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 41

I am thankful for the free dream bars from Potbelly’s. And that the tow guy did not charge me extra for the tow to Chevy Chase.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 40

More for which to feel grateful today.

That Triple A will pay for my tow from the garage to the dealership. That we will get extra frequent-flier miles for using Avis. That I am getting a city and federal income tax refund.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 39

There are few things to be grateful for on a day like today. Except for maybe the fact that it's over.

I guess I am grateful that Mom is paying to have a new engine put into my car. And that the repair guy was nice.

I am not grateful that it took the Triple-A people an hour and a half to get to me in the 45-degree weather while my car was blocking traffic on Connecticut Avenue.

Or to the DC cop who gave me hell for inconveniencing him and the city government (even though Triple A told me to call 911)

Or to my incredibly callous boss and co-workers.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 38

I am grateful for a bed onto which I can crash at the end of an exhausting day.

THE TEN OF WANDS

The card I drew for today was the ten of wands. According to Joan Bunning it's the card of overextending, trying to do too much, never having time to relax. I thought once I completed classes, my internship, my boards things would slow down. But they haven't.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 37

Duh, it's Easter. Isn't that enough?

GETTING LUCKY DAY 36

All three of my Netflix videos arrived in today's mail.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 35

For one thing Jesus Christ died on the cross for us over two thousand years ago. And I have been getting lots of nice e-mails. And G. sez I'm pretty .

WEEK 50

Boards are over. I feel guilty about not studying. Now what?

GETTING LUCKY DAY 34

I passed my boards. And, this sounds kind of superficial, not to mention anticlimactic, but I love my new Brooks Brothers shirt. And Bonnie gave me a Netflix gift certificate.

JOY TO THE WORLD

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me

Hoyt Axton

Passed my boards with high scores in five out of six areas.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 33

Mom sez I'll ace my boards. I take them at 11:30 AM Thursday the 5th.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 32

Gloria complimented my makeup.

DOIN' IT

Taking my boards Thursday.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 31

The Gators still hold the title in football and basketball. The Hoyas made it to the Final Four. I hate myself less.

GETTING LUCKY DAY 30

The pig people liked my April Fool's joke.

ONE YEAR

For those of you who have not been following me since Day 1, here is some background on me: I am a woman, overweight and Catholic. I have a bachelor'sdegree in German literature and master's degree in telecommunications. I had no real interest in German literature. My father browbeat me into taking German to fulfill my high school language requirement. Four years later I would rather have majored in music or theater but was told by my mother I was not this "big ball of talent" I thought I was and wouldn't earn anything by "flitting my ass on a stage." German literature would be an easy "A" and I would be able to graduate fast and go to California to write songs. Instead I get a Fulbright Fellowship to Germany and flounder around there for a couple years after the fellowship runs out. After it becomes economically unfeasible to be a student under the German Social Democratic system for much longer my boyfriend persuades me to go back to America and get an MA. So I get an MA in telecommunications and end up at one of America's premiere radio networks, where I work for more than five years until Iam terminated in 2001. I spent two years in North Central Florida talking to a bunch of retarded hicks, but I told myself "never mind, someday you'll be a big anchorwoman and you won't have to deal with these hicks anymore." Well, my education there only trained me to spend more than six years talking to a different set of hicks. Example:

Me: Hi, may I please speak to your news director?

Retarded hick receptionist: News director? Is that th' guy who tells th' news onth' air?

Follow up:

Me: Hi, this is X____from ____. A couple weeks ago we faxed you a press release.We wanted to know whether you were able to use it.

RHR: What do you mean use it? Read it on th' air?

Me: (Thinking) No, dumbass. Use it for toilet paper. Use it to wrap fish. Use it to line a bird cage. I don't care what the hell you did with it afterwards. Were you or weren't you able to read it on air?"

So how did you get into massage therapy" you might ask. About two years ago following my father's death and dealing with multiple low-paying jobs, failed relationships and asshole "friends" I decided I needed a vacation. Somewhere cheap, where there was a beach, where I could practice my Spanish and wouldn'tneed a passport. The answer: Puerto Rico. We got a ridiculously good deal on the hotel and flight so I decided to treat myself to an aromatherapy massage. It was $85.00 plus a $25.00 "gratuity" which was not optional. I knew the therapist didn't get to keep it all for herself, but I figured becoming a massage therapist would be a good way to earn a lot of money fast and still allow myself to do what I wanted to do -- radio, TV and tarot card readings. Plus, when I gave massages to family members and friends they would say "where did you learn to do that?" and "you mean you don't do this professionally?" So now I have completed all the requirements for national certification except taking the boards. For those of you who cared enough to read this, this should bring you up to speed without reading four years' worth of posts. I thank you, ladies and gentlemen.