LOOKING BACK

I only made one resolution last year – to get more sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t keep it. I am eating all my Christmas leftovers, I guess sort of a symbolic thing.

FIVE YEARS AGO

I started at one of my freelance jobs five years ago today. I took the Sunday AM shift, the absolute worst, because it was the only one available. It was a cold, dark night and I was feeling pretty bad about everything – there’s something about that overnight shift, especially on weekends. A couple raises, promotions and small bonuses later it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

AN AMERICAN GIRL

Well, she was an American girl,
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinking there was a little more to life
Somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
And if she's gonna die
Tryin', she
Had one little promise she was gonna keep
Chorus:Oh yeah, alright,
Take it easy, baby
Make it last all night (make it last all night)
She was an American girl.
Well, it was kind of cold that night,
She stood alone on the balcony
Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by,
Out on four forty one like
Waves crashing on the beach,
For one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God, it's so painful when something that's so close
Can feel so far out of reach

Tom Petty

This is reputedly about a girl who committed suicide on the University of Florida campus, although it has never been proven. As much as I hated Florida I would never kill myself.

WEEK 36

No school this week and very little work. I actually GOT a massage, but did not give any. Can’t figure out why I’m still so tired.

HOME

Got home almost five hours early. Pigs are in the pen. The roughest thing was waiting for my luggage. It's weird when things go as planned. Or even when better than planned.

FORD DEAD

For those of you who have been living in a cave, former President Gerald Ford died about twelve hours ago. One of my former co-workers had a friend who said Ford was one of the nicest guys one could hope to work for, with the possible exception of Spiro Agnew. If only it weren't for that nasty little bookkeeping thing.

'TIS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

And Helen wasn't as obnoxious as feared, only occasionally making references to my father and my relationship, or lack thereof. And I got a purple fairy shirt and "Cracking the MCAT" from Mom.

"FOR UNTO US..."

"... a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9-6

'TIS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

And we are off to midnight mass. Mom also announced to Margaret that "X____doesn't have any money to start up her own business."

BRAWL IN THE FAMILY

Well, after less than 24 hours here Mom has made it known to me that:

1) My Mary Kay business is not doing well.
2) Not wearing pantihose is socially unacceptable, even though we're in Florida
3) My lip pencil is unsuitable.

WEEK 35

Literally limped into Sarasota exhausted, broke and dirty. At least I flew into Tampa first-class and the airline is giving me a free ticket to anywhere in the US or Canada good for next year.

BLESSED SOLSTICE

It was today. Things should be literally looking brighter.

VACATION

"Vacation all I ever wanted"

The Go-gos

Well, mine is not off to a good start. I was on my way to the other building and I tripped in a pothole, severely bruising my left knee and ripping my pants. I guess the good things are that the knee is not too severely injured and C is ordering new pants for me.

VIDEOGRAPHER KILLED

Channel 7 videographer Gordon Davis was killed in the line of duty covering a fire in Prince George's County. Rescue crews were there but no one could save him. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you know, CPR, mouth-to-mouth, etc.

EARLY HOLIDAY SURPRISES

Got some nice holiday surprises:1) My customers tipped well and gave good reviews.2) T. cancelled all my appointments for Wednesday, I think as well for her as for me.3) She had one of Jay's students give me a full-body massage as a special treat.

HOLIDAY HUMOUR

Q: What do you call a blow job that lasts for eight days?

A: A Hanukkah Lewinsky.

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Saw the cardiologist yesterday. He is not much for divination but he now believes in facials. I lectured him on the use of sunscreen. He did not say anything about my cholesterol.

TWO MONTHS

Two months until my "estimated" day of graduation. Thank G-d.

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS

Happy First Hanukkah!

WEEK 34

My last Friday in clinic and things went well. All my clients showed up, gave me good reviews and tipped me nicely. This is a rarity on Friday. A lot of our Friday customers are the biggest assholes. You see an unattractive person, no wedding ring on a Friday night and you figure we are the only human beings to touch their bodies. Also, those who prefer to be naked are usually slightly nutty. They claim it's because they like to feel "free" but it's either because they're perverts or because they consider themselves "connaisseurs" of massage and think it's their bounden duty to boss us around.

AUNT IRENE

She had back surgery today. Mom said it was something like "they took out a piece of something and put it somewhere else. Not very medical but that's the best I can come up with.

LESS STRESS

I have purchased all my gifts and all those which need to be mailed have been mailed. And I have almost ten per cent of my cards mailed.

WOW

I woke up in the middle of the night with your scent still on my skin.

PARTNERS IN PAIN

You ask whether it's possible to love again after a death or a divorce. I wonder whether either of us have been hurt too badly emotionally or physically to ever love again.

They say people who haven't eaten enough for a long time, concentration camp survivors, anorexics etc can't process food right for a while after they start eating again. Sometimes they never do. I wonder whether I have been emotionally starved for so many years and whether I am so bent on satisfying clients, teachers, school administrators, family and friends to allow anyone, myself included, to make me happy.

An encouraging thing: Two months ago D. lost her husband of almost 13 years to cancer. He was the second husband she lost that way. She thanked J. and me for getting her out of the house. Now she is talking about getting a puppy.

MURDERS, INC

A mnemonic device for the body’s ten systems:

Muscular
Urinary
Respiratory
Digestive
Endocrine
Reproductive
Skeletal
Integumentary
Nervous
Cardiovascular

FROM MY OLD BOSS

“You're a really strikingly lovely woman...You can do better than massaging lesbians!”

WEEK 33

Only one more Friday left in this mod. I am so tired I called Happy Family to place and order and forgot my beloved pepper oil. The woman on the phone said “don’t you want hot pep-pah with that.?” I apologized. Then I tried to make some tea in the microwave and almost forgot top put water into the cup.

TWO WEEKS

Two weeks until the generic winter holiday vacation.

JOE AND HIS WARTS

When I was a kid my girlfriend's father would sit on the couch picking his warts and flicking them off. Mom said "stop it, Joe, those are viral." I ended up getting them.

Tonight's client had what looked like similar warts and athlete's food. I made sure I washed my hands REALLY well afterward. And Purelled them.

TWO WEEKS, TWO DAYS

Two weeks and two days until generic winter holiday vacation.

I NEED A LOVER

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of a
Hey hit the highway
Well I've been walkin' the streets up and down
Racing through the human jungles at night
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light
Electricity runs through the video
And I watch it from this hole I call home
All the stony's are dancin' to the radio
And I got the world calling me up here
Tonight on the phone**
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl to thrill me and then go away
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of a
Hey hit the highway
Well I'm not wiped out by this poolroom life
I'm living
I'm gonna quit this job, go to school, or head back home
And I'm not askin' to be loved or be forgiven
I just can't face shakin' in this bedroom
One more night alone(*Repeat)(**Repeat)
You bet cha

John Mellencamp

Heard this on Arrow 94 last night, driving down Lee Highway past the State Theater, just like in high school, cranked up the volume like the scene in the Wayne's World movie in which the guys are listening to Bohemian Rhapsody. The difference is it's my own car, not my parents'. I have not quit my job but I AM back in school and hope I won't have to fake shakin' alone for much longer. Hope springs eternal.

I BELIEVE IN FATHER CHRISTMAS

They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the VIRGIN BIRTH
I remember one Christmas morning
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas Tree smell
AND EYES full of tinsel and fire
They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a Silent Night
And they told me a fairy story
'Till I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes
'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise
I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave New Year
All anguish pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah
Noel, be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas we get we deserve

by Emerson, Lake and Palmer


Heard this song in the Metro K Market yesterday. Years ago I heard it on Armed Forces Radio in Munich. It was right before I left for graduate school in America and I thought "this may be my last Christmas here." Little did I know that after I left Munich I would meet the great love of my life and find the greatest job of my life. OK, so the great love married someone else and I don't think he's so great anymore and I left the great job unwillingly after more than five years. If I hadn't left that job I wouldn't have gone on to the greatest accomplishments of my career and of my life until this point.

Went to the CDA Christmas party and the Fulbright party in an attempt to keep my social life alive, to show people I still care. While I look at the Fulbright fellowship as one of my great accomplisments I sometimes wonder if it didn't hinder me. What would have happened if I hadn't got it? I guess I would have got a job at some radio station or some agency, but would I just have ended up being phased out anyway? Would I have clung to the same man for six years because he was the best thing that had come along and nothing better came along after?

THINGS OVER WHICH I AM STRESSING

These are things which I am stressing over, in no particular order:

1) Money
2) Mom
3) School
4) Getting an internship
5) Volunteer work
6) Passing the nationals
7) Getting a decent job
8) Christmas Cards
9) Christmas Gifts
10) Mom's cat
11) Mypigs
12) My condo
13) My car
14) My social life
15) My love life
16) My body
17) What people think of me

TWO MONTHS, TWO WEEKS

Two months and two weeks left until my last day of classes. Actually, maybe less than that if I can get started with my internship earlier. Three weeks from today I will be with my mother in Florida.

WEEK 32

This mod is now officially one-half over. My deep tissue is improving, but still not consistent and I am still worried about getting the internship I want. Academically I am doing ok and Stephanie sez someone at Sport and Health told her a lot of what we learn in school doesn’t apply anyway. Lord knows a lot of what I learned in graduate school didn’t apply.