HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

Today is Mom's birthday.

WEEK 62

Earned a lot of money this week, yet I feel my life is spinning out of control – no time to spend doing what I like. As Dee Dee on King of the Hill said “I need some me-time. To do the laundry.” Bohannon sez most people do not get fulfillment from their jobs – they use they jobs to finance a life that brings them fulfillment. So I guess the thing to do now is to plan for a fulfilling retirement.

PERVERTIMENTO

Heard the WETA guy talk about Mozart’s Divertimento. Thought of PDQ Bach’s “Pervertimento.” Could be a lot of my clients.

HIV TESTING DAY

Today is National HIV Testing Day.

"SEETHING HORN-DOG"

A Craigslist client writes “I am not a seething horn-dog.” Gotta love ‘em.

"THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR FILTER"

Jim Bohannon on my faulty mate-selection process.

SNIFFLES THE AARDVARK

After a morning of dealing with sleep deprivation, asshole co-workers and perverted clients I put my car radio on and hear the Western Pest Control spot featuring Sniffles the Aardvark. Life is good.

SUMMER DAZE

The first full days of the official summer season and I am working 15 hours a day. At least I’m earning money and it keeps me out of trouble. And makes me look good.

A MIDSUMMER DAY'S POOL PARTY

Did massages at a rooftop pool party. Mercifully they had some big umbrellas and there was a nice breeze. Funny – I get to do massages at lots of nice places but never fully enjoy it – for one, I’m working, for the other, I feel deprived. Some day I will have enough money saved up that I’ll never have to give another massage again.

WEEK 61

This week has been more financially rewarding and strangely more restful, even though I worked more. Probably because I don’t have to worry where the mortgage payment is coming from. Things go by faster when there is more to do.

And it seems as though things are falling into place for no apparent reason.

ART IMITATES LIFE

Lots going on movie-wise this week. The Michael Moore movie Sickos premiered in my neighbourhood. It’s about Americans without medical insurance. Drove past the paparazzi but didn’t stop. Also the movie A Mighty Heart, about Danny Pearl opened. I never knew Danny but one of my friends did.

I’m told they’re making a movie about the college I went to – maybe people who see it will know why I am the way I am.

I think there was another movie I wanted to blog about which was relevant to my life – not sure whether it’s about Catholicism, Judaism, pigs, massage, tarot or overweight unmarried women.

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Saw the cardiologist. A good thing about volunteering at the hospital where my doctors are – I know all the shortcuts. And I know where they keep the sheets, towels, gowns and pillowcases.

I told him about graduating from massage school -- he said "you were so excited about it." Maybe I will be more excited when things settle down.

EVERYBODY'S DEAD

So I'm sitting on my couch surfing away and my cell phone rings. A friend whom I've known more than sixteen years calls to tell me his father died last week. Then I log on to GL and find out Brandilynn's father died Tuesday morning. Reminds me of the story a co-worker told me about his Alzheimer's-stricken grandmother. The old lady got hysterical and started yelling "everybody's dead."

TOO NICE TO BLOG

It's one of the longest days of the year, not too hot, cold or humid and just enough of a breeze. Too nice to be anchored to a computer. I took the pigs out.

THIS JUST GETS WEIRDER

Yesterday a woman called me and asked whether I knew anyone who would dress in a police uniform and deliver a package to someone. Not sure whether it was a gag or whether she wanted to scare someone. I guess it's because I advertise under "events" on Craigslist. I wanted to tell her I didn't do that kind of massage.

HOPE FOR ME?

One of the cheapest, most obnoxious guys I ever met got married Saturday. I'm wondering whether the woman is blind or retarded or whether it was a green card marriage. Maybe there's hope for me.

FATHER'S DAY

Happy Father's Day!

This is my third one without a father In the movie First Wives Club, Jennifer Dundas is waiting for that special moment to come out to her father, maybe "Father's Day or Christmas morning." At the right moment she says "Dad, I'm a lesbian. A big one." As far as I know, my father did not think I was a lesbian.

THE PICTURES HAVE ARRIVED

Some of them from Puerto Rico, others from my graduation dinner and the generic winter holiday. My face looks puffy and bloated in some pix, in others it does not. So in spite of what I posted on June 6th, my main areas of concentration now should be my weight and my finances – once I get my finances straightened out, I will be stressed less and look and feel better. And when I look and feel better it should help my career and my social life. .

PRETTY INCREDIBLE

My Craigslist postings in the therapeutic section are titled “Pamper Your Office Staff” or “Corporate Massage--Reasonable Rates.” The body reads “Licensed, insured female therapist. Rates as low as $60 per 50-min session.” One would think this would make things clear – I am not a hooker and I do not go to people’s houses/hotel rooms. Yet I get gems such as “saw u on cl in the erotic section. where u from?” and “do i have to have a office?” >Sigh<

WEEK 60

This hasn't been a very productive week, unfortunately, not a really restful one, either. I have to realize I still have a couple big checks coming. It’s amazing how much time people waste on the phone/internet.

This week I did chair massages at a very elegant hotel in Georgetown. We had to do it in a room which was basically a storage room – before we started we actually had to move a bunch of wine crates. Not conducive to relaxation if you ask me. The poor staff was so stressed out, probably from having to make everything perfect for everyone else. I thought of how I was expected to make everyone’s vacation perfect and G-d help me if it wasn’t. Then my so-called vacation wasn’t and there were no heads to bite off. Evidently these people were in the same boat.

SUGGESTION FOR BORDER PATROL

Hospital volunteers get free parking. Administrators thought of giving them free meals, but they figured, wisely, that in that neighbourhood parking is more valuable than food.

When we pull in we get a little paper ticket with our entry time. We have to write our names on it, department in which we are volunteering and our volunteer number. I go through this every week and the attendant treats me like one of the Al Qaeda people. Even though I am wearing my blue hospital volunteer jacket, recognizable anywhere, he insists on seeing my badge. This guy should be working for the US Border Patrol. Andrew Speaker got out of Canada more easily than I got out of the hospital parking lot.

SUMMERTIME BLUES

Well I'm gonna raise a fuss
And I'm gonna raise a holler
About workin' all summer
Just tryin' to earn a dollar
Well, I went to my boss
Who governs me
He said, "No, dice, bud
You gotta work late"
Sometime I wonder
What I'm gonnna do
There ain't no cure
For the summertime blues
Well, my mom and papa told me
Now you better earn some money
If one of you is gonna go
Ridin' next Sunday
Well, I didn't go to work
I told my boss I was sick
He said, "You can't use the car'
Cause you didn't work a lick"
Sometime I wonder
What I'm gonnna do
There ain't no cure
For the summertime blues
Gonna save two weeks
Gonna have a fine vacation
Gonna take my problem
To the United Nations
Well, I went to my congressman
He sent me back a note
It said, "I''d like to help you, son,
But you're too young to vote"
Sometime I wonder
What I'm gonnna do
There ain't no cure
For the summertime blues
Now there ain't no cure
For the summertime blues
Now there ain't no cure
For the summertime blues

Eddie Cochran

No one told me summertime was a slow time for massage therapists.

At least legitimate ones.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Spent most of the day at NIH. They paid for my cab fare both ways and fed me breakfast and lunch, as well as $90.00 for my time. It was different being a patient there, as opposed to the employee of a contracter. I guess growing up around here a lot of us have some tie to NIH or other. G's aunt was a secretary there. That was when it was politically correct to say "secretary." My first endocrinologist worked there. So did my second.

E. had a hard life. He was a great kid, but had an abusive father. The father was a federal government employee and from what I'm told an asshole. He pressured his sensitive, artistic son in to a goverment career, touting its stability and benefits. Ironically when this same father died his precious benefits had run out, he ended up in some low-budget home and died more or less a pauper. Now I hear E. is in his father's line of work.

E. met a woman, fell in love and got engaged. The fiancee became very sick with cancer and NIH was her last hope. She met a guy there, not sure whether he was a fellow patient or staff member. At any rate, they fell in love and she dumped E. for him. So much for making plans of any kind.

WOKE UP YESTERDAY MORNING

The final Sopranos episode aired Sunday night. Now there's talk as to whether any of the actors will ever get jobs this good. I wonder the same about myself.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

So here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.

SIMPLIFYING SUNDAY

I am busy, so go surf this site: http://www.simpleabundance.com

It is not about being poor or living like a nun, but about enjoying the simple things in life and getting rid of some of the things you don't (or don't need)

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Went to Celebrate Fairfax today, going to the pignic tomorrow. It's not often I do things for fun anymore.

WEEK 59

It hasn't been the most productive week and unfortunately not the most restful one either. Sunday I turned down work to go to the pignic, which was postponed anyway. Wednesday I turned down the opportunity to earn $200.00 because of a commitment to a job which would have paid only $20.00 and that was cancelled anyway. I worked 15 extra hours at one job but kept calling the other one every day to hear the project which was supposedly a go had been postponed over and over again. So for the comparatively little amount of money I earned I spent a lot of time on the phone and online. Still, it should mean more money next week. Traditionally, summer is a good time for radio subs, as most people take their vacations then and I can clean up. Unfortunately, it is apparently a slow time for massage therapists.

Dennis Prager talks about “compartmentalizing” one’s life and how we can’t let unhappiness from one sector seep into the others and poison everything. At least that’s the idea I get. I guess I could compartmentalize my life into the following sections:

1) The physical. My health is pretty good, other than being slightly overweight and tired all the time, some other minor things.

2) The financial. This is probably the area in which I am most successful, and not even very much at that. I will probably earn more this year than I did in 2000, the best-earning year of my life, but still not as much as is due a person with a master’s degree. But at least I can breathe a little more easily.

3) The emotional. Or call it the ego? Being a massage therapist and a public relations representative are not ego-gratifying and I am not getting much air time or even as much on-air mention as I want. When you grow up being compared to other people’s kids and having to compete with pets for your parents’ attention, this is no small thing. I guess it could be worse – I could be getting NO air-time and NO on-air mentions. And absolutely NO validation from my family.

4) The sexual-romantic. Hardly anything going on there. I feel if I had SOMETHING to hold onto, maybe I wouldn’t be so scared all the time. Take that the way you want to.

5) The social. My “friends” and relatives are wrapped up in their kids, their jobs, their pets, too. At least I got some people to come to my graduation party. And I get to do some fun things once in a while. Funny, I work all these free-lance jobs to have some freedom, yet there seems to be less of it.

6) The spiritual. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I even have a mini-UFO poster over my desk. Sure, I believe in G-d, “energy,” a “higher power,” whatever. I drag myself to church, try to keep G-d's commandments, fulfill obligations etc, but it is basically out of fear of going to hell when I die, not out of love for G-d or my fellow human beings.

So there you have it. It could be worse.

DODGING MORE BULLETS

Three women have been attacked in Arlington, two of them VERY near where I work. I was actually at work at the time one of the attacks took place. It was near Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut wasn’t taking pick-up orders at that hour. So having to get a take-out from Taco Bell might have been a lucky thing. Gee, I am dodging bullets left and right.

EVEN LESS STRESS

Back on December 3rd I posted 17 stressors:

1) Money
2) Mom
3) School
4) Getting an internship
5) Volunteer work
6) Passing the nationals
7) Getting a decent job
8) Christmas Cards
9) Christmas Gifts
10) Mom's cat
11) The pigs
12) My condo
13) My car
14) My social life
15) My love life
16) My body
17) What people think of me

Now we are down to 12:

1) Money
2) Mom
3) Volunteer work
4) Getting a decent job
5) Mom's cat
6) The pigs
7) My condo
8) My car
9) My social life
10) My love life
11) My body
12) What people think of me

I have finished school and completed my internship. While it wasn’t 100 per cent what I had hoped for I can still make it look good on a resume and I graduated with a straight-A average. I also passed the Nationals with high scores in five out of six areas and obviously I’ve sent out all my Christmas cards and gifts.

Money is much less of an issue than it was even two months ago and I am done with 40 per cent of my volunteer work. While I have not landed my full-time dream job with benefits, things are actually improving at the jobs I have. However, we still need work on the other nine areas.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

So I am bumming out about the pignic being postponed. Then I find out one of the Frederick pig people has all nine of her pigs on antibiotics. She does not even want to come now, even by herself for fear of transmitting the infection. I wish Andrew Speaker had been that considerate.

OH EARLY NIGHT

Gonna try to make it an early night.

THE SEVENTH DAY

May the Lord protect and defend you,
May He always shield you from shame,
May you come to be in years full well a shining name.
May you be like Ruth and like Esther,
May you be deserving of praise,
Strengthen them o Lord and keep them from the stranger's way.
May God bless you and grant you long life
(may the Lord fulfill our sabbath prayer for you),
May God make you good mothers and wives
(may He send you husbands who will care for you).
May the Lord protect and defend you,
May the Lord preserve you from pain,
Favor them o Lord with happiness and peace,
O hear our sabbath prayer,
Amen.

Sheldon Harnick and Jerry Bock

"Husbands that will care for you?" "Good mothers and wives?"

Ok, so the Catholic faith isn't exactly a hotbed of progressivism. Still, I like a prayer that asks G-d to bless one's children, grant them long lives and shield them from shame. And I like the idea of a day of rest, even if it means like rushing like mad to put on nice clothes and do nothing. after that "Shabbat, Shalom, we're stuck at home, Oh Queen, Oh Bride, we're stuck inside, Shalom, Shabbat, we can't do squat." The card I drew for today was the ten of wands, which is all about overdoing it, trying to go it alone, having to pick your battles. The pignic was postponed. It makes me mad that I had said "no" to a work assignment that would have looked good, but then last night the AC wasn't working in the control room so it might have been a warm, uncomfortable day anyway.

EVERYBODY WANTS YOU

You see 'em comin' at you every night
Strung on pretension they fall for you at first sight
You know their business--you think it's a bore
They make you restless--it's nothin' you ain't seen before
Get around town, spend your time on the run
You never let down...say you do it for fun
Never miss a play, though you make quite a few
You give it all away when everybody wants you
You crave attention--you can never say "no"
Throw your affections anyway the wind blows
You always make it--you're on top of the scene
You sell the copy like the cover of a magazine
Puttin' on the eyes 'til there's nobody else
You never realize what you do to yourself
The things that they see make the daily reviews
You never get free when everybody wants you
Everybody knows you
Everybody snows you
Everybody needs you...leads you...bleeds you
Nights of confusion and impossible dreams
Days at the mirror, patchin' up around the seams
You got your glory--you paid for it all
You take your pension in loneliness and alcohol
Say goodbye to conventional ways
You can't escape the hours--you lose track of the days
The more you understand, seems the more like you do
You never get away...everybody wants you

Billy Squier

Gee, I wonder if anyone wants Billy anymore? That was mean. Two days after my last day reservations calls and asks me if I will do an assignment for them Wednesday. They are now actually willing to work with me on my terms. People at my other jobs are willing to do the same -- I am actually having to turn stuff down.

THE NEW POO REVIEW

I first mentioned the poop show last September second. Generally a poop show lasts slightly under half an hour, however, sponsors have learned to offend listeners in 60 seconds or less if need be. The latest is something called “Vitabite” or something like that. It keeps dawgs from itching. Unfortunately, they have human beings talking about Fido scratching himself raw. And they are very graphic about it. The LAST thing I need to hear about is about living things scratching themselves. Then on the way home I heard some stuff on my car radio about prostate checks. You can never win.

WEEK 58

I can now taste food. The other day I got a burger with jalapenos and no Tabasco and it burned my mouth. There is still a trace of that Bill Clinton rasp in my voice, though. At least I made a pile of money this week.