SLIGHTLY BETTER

Feeling slightly better today, but had to call in sick from work.

SICK

I am nauseuous and dizzy and I have a headache. This is something that worries me -- I catch colds and other minor infections easily, and I wonder how long I will be able to do this.

WEEK ONE

Well, I have survived the first week of massage school. I have not killed anyone and I have not been thrown out.

JESUS, YOU'RE TENSE

The guy who gave me my first Thai massage said "Jesus, you're tense." I'm sure the latest classmate to massage me thought the same thing.

A VERY SPECIAL SCHOOL

It turns out our school shares a facility with a local tard school. We have to keep the blinds pulled because the tards like to watch us give massages. Wonderful. So now I have to see tards in the morning and go to work and talk to them in the afternoon.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Wear clean underwear.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Ok, my first day BACK at school. About a mile away from where I had my first day of first grade.

DO ME A FAVOUR

Please take a shower or at least wash pits and your ass and use deodorant before you come to me. You don't pay me enough to make inhaling your pit odour worth it.

KISMET? KARMA?

This morning I went to look at a beach condo in New Jersey. It's right next to a massage salon. Maybe this was meant to be.

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

A Craigsloser e-mailed me and asked "is it possible for me to masturbate while you watch?" I responded that I'm sure it was possible in that he was physically ABLE to do it but that I wouldn't allow it. Now I wonder how much he was willing to pay me. Unlike massage it's not that physically strenuous, so I could easily do it eight hours a day.

Hmmm, five days a week, 50 weeks per year....

BACK TO SCHOOL

Well, as I have hit a brick wall, I have decided to go back to school to get my license and certification.

FOR THOSE OF YOU

Who insist on being massaged completely naked with no towel, do me a favour. Clean the toilet paper out of your butt cracks. It's really lovely for me to look at when you're flipped over on your stomachs. And it shows up especially on dark-complected buttcracks.

THE HAPPY HIJABI

When I was in graduate school a Turkish girl told me Muslim women keep their hair covered with a hijabi because head hair is a sexual thing and they don't want to tempt the men.

Sometimes I think I should be wearing a hijabi. I wear jogging pants and a t-shirt and no makeup, sometimes a scarf or a baseball cap and still clients grab my ass. Or make remarks about my feet.

NATIVE AMERICAN BURNS?

One of the good things about my job is I get paid to give people Indian burns. In high school I gave them and got them for free. Somehow I can't work noogies and wedgies into the massage routine.

Etta Mae wants to know whether it's politically correct to say "Indian burns.? How about "Native American burns?"

I did a Google search on "Indian burns." There actually is an "Indian Burns Institute." It's not what you think -- it's a hospital for burn victims on the Indian subcontinent.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT

I have noticed that a lot of my male clients have dry skin around their ankles. Yesterday a client told me men's socks are tighter than women's. That would explain things.

GET A NUMBER! II

As an addendum my first "get a number" post, here is a new one: GET A PHONE THAT WORKS!!!! One on which I can understand you. And one or two messages on my voicemail are enough. You don't need to leave more than that. And don't clog up my voicemail with all this crap -- just leave your name, number and a BRIEF message and I will get to you. But not necessarily in the next three minutes.

VINDICATED

I feel vindicated. At least sort of. In response to yesterday's post another CL poster writes:

"are you saying that someone on CL criticized your appearence as distinct from you bodywork technique.....unless they were a client, how would they know what you look like and if they were a client why would your looks make a difference under any scenario. I have had some of the best massages from folks who might not be a "10" using some fairly crude metrics but I suspect the majority of your clients are not "10s" either. In any event, I'm certain I would rather be looking at you versus "them" or whomever the nitwit that posted the remark...Good luck in you efforts and don't take me or anyone else on this board too seriously."

Another one writes "you r attractive."

OOOOOOO, I'M SCARED

One of Craig's winners spews " X____has been quite outspoken about her contempt for customers seeking sensual massage. And yet she has taken to describing herself as 'attractive' in her ads. Bottom line, X____ provides a lousy, uninspired massage and I don't think anyone who has seen her would describe her as 'attractive.' Best to avoid.

MY FIRST CLIENT

I guess no girl forgets her first client. Mine was Jewish. He had piercings in places you wouldn't believe.

SO MAKE ME AN OFFER

The average DC massage therapist earns $65 to 85 dollars per hour. This afternoon a supposed representative from a MAJOR cosmetics chain called and told me she wanted to do seated massages in a very affluent mall. I will not mention the chain or mall, but she told me the most she could pay would be $25 per hour. I said "I thought X_____ was supposed to be a very upscale operation." We haggled and I said maybe I would be able to do it for $25. She said she'd call me this evening. I'm waiting.

LETTERS, WE GOT LETTERS

Ok, actually we got e-mails. A prospective client writes "You say you are attractive and don't do groing pulls. Do you allow the client to groin pull while you are massaging? Also can you describe yourself?"

My answer: "No and no. You're disgusting."

Note spelling of the word "groing"

WHY I AM NOT A CHIROPRACTOR

Lori Ann asked "how come you just don't become a chiropractor?" I said "my grandfather went to a chiropractor and he died." That shut everyone up really fast.

DANCE FOR ME

Here is one of the weirdest CL posts I have seen in a long time: "White businessman seeks lady to do massage and belly dance. I have had this combination several times on the west coast but have not been fortunate enough to find someone in this area. Providers or anyone with a good lead are welcome to reply. Beginners in either art are also most welcome as are belly dancers willing for me to teach them massage. All races, all inquiries answered"

Wonder if he found anyone.

FOR THE UNINITIATED

A "happy ending" is a hand job. So is a "release."

GET A NUMBER!

To all those of you who give me out-of-state cell phone numbers -- GET A LOCAL NUMBER! I am already charging rock-bottom prices and I don't need big phone bills. Of course, if you 're using Craigslist you're probably poor or cheap anyway so why am I bothering to ask this?

LOSER SEEKS CHEAP HAND JOB

One of Craig's winners writes "Yes, a sensual maassage is needed on a regular basis (twice a month) from female therapist. Respond via back-channel with your availibilty and location (approximate, and prices. Last, you need to be metro accessible. That's all folks."

"You need to be Metro-accessible" means "I'm too poor to buy a car." Maybe if you spent less money on hand jobs you could afford a car.

BEWARE

Of clients who want "extensive work" on their "groin area." They just want hand jobs.

THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THIS

Someone wrote in response to yesterday’s Craigslist winner who wrote

“I like to lay completely naked”:

“um, no? mister winkie does NOT get exposed in the long run. and neither does ass crack. no run of the mill human being wants to see your shit, man or woman. cover your shit up and shut your ass up while you're at it. stick a pipe up, Exposo Jacko”


Exposo Jacko writes to me:

“Who the Hell do you think you are. Some people are fucking idiots. Craigslist is not full of perverts. All I did was mention what my preference is. I did not ask for, not do I want anuthing sexual. Get a fucking life. If I wanted sex, I can get the greatest sex ever with my wife at home and I do. She just does not give the greatest massages, and is ok with me seeing a legit person to work the kinks out of my body.”

Hmmm, I’m sure your wife would LOVE to see some of the things you’re written to me in the last couple of weeks, Exposo Jacko.

A SLIM WOMAN

One of the most common questions I get, other than "can you send me a picture of yourself?" is "are you a slim woman?" Now when someone asks me that I answer with "do you have a full head of hair?"

AND THE WINNER IS

The Craigslist winner writes "Yes, so my ad had some typo's, so sue me. Just as an FYI I am an Ivy League graduate, and was a science major. Did I spell check or go over my ad, no, i'm sorry. I'm at work, I typed it up quickly. Yes, I know i before e except after c. I just was not paying attention. I am not looking for a handjob, or anything sexual, I just do not like the towel."

Perverts who can't spell. So how come you're working at Xando? It shows where an Ivy League degree will get you.

I LIKE TO LAY COMPLETELY NAKED

A Craigslist winner writes "I like to lay completely naked. When I recieve a massage, I dislike having the towel wrapped around my mid section. I can respect if you do not want to touch there, but I would prefer my entire body be free so I can totally relax. I am looking for a legit massage therapist who is ok with this."

Why, so you can jerk off on the table?

Also, dipshit, it's "lie," not "lay" and "receive," not "recieve." Illiterate clients are always a turn-on. This guy probably lives in his parents' basement. Or maybe their garage.

A PRIME EXAMPLE

Last year a young man in a prominent position at a major communications concern told me he had injured his neck. Then he was lying naked on his back and asked me to massage his testicles. When I told Gerry this he said "what does that have to do with his neck?"

PICTURES OF LILLY

Or Mary. Or Annie. Or Janey. Whatever. I love it when potential clients ask me "can you describe yourself?" or "can you send me a picture of yourself?" Would you ask a doctor/dentist/hairdresser/accountant for his/her picture? And do you really think a Michelle Pfeiffer lookalike is gonna travel to East Bumfuck to massage your fat ass?

One charmer wrote "after all you will be touching my body and I don't want to be grossed out by you." Never mind how I felt about touching HIS body. This man bore VERY little resemblance to Hugh Grant or Tobey Maguire.

So I started asking clients to send ME pictures of themselves. Some of them have actually called my bluff. Believe me, most of them NEED to pay a woman to touch their bodies.

FAT DUDES IN NASTY APARTMENTS

"Eeeeessh. Fat dudes in nasty apartments -- you should get hazard pay for that or something." That's what a prospective client wrote to me a couple weeks ago. That's how I got the title for this blog. The guy was fat and he lived in a nasty apartment in a nasty neighbourhood. He told me his groin was dry and asked me to put oil on it. I went to the bathroom, grabbed a wad of toilet paper, put oil on it and told him to have himself a field day after I left.